Having a baby for the first time is so daunting! At least it was for me. On the one hand I had all these people sharing their labor and delivery horror stories with me which was frustrating and terrifying and others offering all kinds of advice on being a mother and raising a child. And of course most family and friends would tell me about how wonderful being a mother is and how it's the best feeling in the world and how happy I'll be. After all, there's a reason a baby is often referred to as a "bundle of joy", right?
So what do you do when you come home from the hospital with your new bundle and things don't feel all euphoric and full of joy like you thought they would? What's your problem, why aren't you happy? I dealt with feelings of terrible depression shortly after giving birth to my baby, and it wasn't something that anyone informed me about ahead of time, so I had no idea what my problem was. Turns out my "problem" was postpartum depression and it was bad. Here was this BEAUTIFUL, sweet little babe that was all mine and I felt scared, helpless, incapable, alone and incredibly depressed. I didn't WANT to feel that way, I wanted to rejoice and be a happy mother and spend the time reveling in the arrival of my little girl instead of clinging to anyone who was near asking them, "Will things ever be ok again?" This was more than feeling sleep deprived and a little overwhelmed, though the lack of sleep and the adjustment to a new person certainly added to the mix. It was a heavy darkness of fear and feeling so low.
I've struggled with depression most of my adult life so I sometimes worried about this "postpartum depression" that I'd heard mentioned a couple times here and there, but I was unprepared for it's arrival. Thankfully I pulled through with the help of medicine and good support and I am happier than ever to be a mom, I feel capable once again and life is good, but it was a scary time and I needed lots of love.
If you are worried that you might be struggling with PPD or if your wife or sister or someone you love is having a hard time, as someone who has been through it I'd like to say PLEASE be so patient with yourself or them and do all you can to be supportive. It doesn't mean you aren't a good mom or that you're inadequate. It can be ok again, and not just that but wonderful.
Here are some tips I'd like to share on supporting someone suffering:
Recognize the symptoms
Every mom goes through some emotions when giving birth and your hormones are doing some crazy things to you. There are the "baby blues" which occur usually during the first couple of days while your hormones adjust to the changes but PPD is heavier and can continue for weeks or months. Some symptoms include insomnia, hopelessness, anxiety, changes in appetite, extreme feelings of guilt and so on.
Listen, listen, listen
I needed someone to hear me out and listen to my feelings whether it was at 2 am or over and over again in the middle of the afternoon. A new mom suffering from PPD needs to reach out and have someone nearby to comfort them and just listen while they sort things through.
Don't doubt the seriousness
You may be tempted to just give the suffering person a pat on the head and tell them it'll all work out, but this can be a very serious issue with sad consequences so if the new mom is telling you she's really not ok and feels like she can't do this, take it to heart and take them seriously.
Don't leave them alone
My husband works long hours and travels a lot and I remember freaking out when he returned to work and I now had to take care of this little person all by myself day in and day out and all evening and night by myself and I didn't know how or where to go and it felt like my world had been turned upside down forever. Do whatever you can to enlist the help of friends and family to take shifts to be there for the new mom, ESPECIALLY if you think she is suffering from PPD.
Help Them Find Support
I just can't stress this enough. Thankfully I'm personally very assertive when it comes from seeking help and this is something that I learned to do with my previous experiences with depression, but many women might feel awkward and uncertain about seeking professional help. I was a little bit surprised considering how terrible I felt that I wasn't warned before leaving the hospital that PPD is an issue for many women and given numbers for outreach. I had to HUNT them down and look online for support groups and call my doctor and tell her, "hey, this is serious. I need to come see you ASAP." If you have to be aggressive about it, do it! Help the new mom find support groups (there are often groups that meet in your area with other moms and nurses, so call your hospital and ask about them!), get her in to her doctor to see if she needs an antidepressant prescription, talk to nurses, do what you need to do!
Be Patient & Kind
Your wife or girlfriend or sister may be acting really dramatic in your opinion and you may be tempted to tell them to just be happy about this new baby and ask them, "How can you not be happy right now?!" That makes a mom suffering from PPD feel so guilty. Try to understand that it's a hormonal issue and you'll likely have to be so kind and patient with mood swings and lots of tears and talking through self doubt and fears with them.
Hold Them & Help Them
Let the person with PPD hug you again and again if they need to. Hold them, wake up with them if they need to get up and help with the baby. Cook for them, clean for them, change diapers and let her have a nap. Do what you can to lessen the burden.
Follow Up
I mean this in every sense of the word. If you have a friend who just had a baby and she mentioned that she's finding it to be really hard, follow up with her! Go over there and take the baby off her hands. Text or call and make sure she's ok. Also, keep following up with progress and whether or not support groups or medications are helping. Don't just figure things will sort themselves out.
Here are some helpful links that I came across while I was suffering:
In the depth of postpartum I felt like, "Why did I do this. Why did I have a baby, I can't do this. My life is over." It's not an easy thing to admit to people but it doesn't mean you're a terrible person. It's a major adjustment. You can see this through and find great joy in motherhood and your sweet child!
Glad you shared. I think moms are afraid to talk about that kind of thing because it makes you feel like you are a bad mom. I cried everyday for the first two weeks with my first baby and that was without suffering with depression. I soon found out that is how most moms feel. I think we need to feel like we can share our feelings without feeling like we are being bad mothers. I'm glad you got the help you needed.
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